Daddy issues and free psychotherapy sessions.

There is a part of me that has always and I fear will always have an unending, painful, deadly need to have complete and unhindered control over every aspect of my life.

Being a Christ follower and a firm believer that God is in control means that I'm completely screwed when it comes to fulfilling said need to have the wheel. I feel like throwing up.

"Just let things happen, let God take care of it"

Oh screw you.

If its that simple and it isn't hurting you, you don't love me in any way, shape, or form.

I'm mad at you.

Mostly because you once promised not to let me down, told me that I could trust you, and that if I ever needed you, all I had to do was ask.

Oh BULLSHIT.

Fuck that.

You are just like everyone else. And right now you're reminding me of my mom. Let God handle it or whatever.

Sorry, but I don't have the twenty five years she did to waste in a miserable marriage while I let God handle it, watching as my husband smacked around my kids, treated us all like shit, and wouldn't do a damn thing about it because I was "waiting for God".

I need more therapy.

Obviously today's session wasn't enough.

I know that I need to continue to let go of things, because my sphere of control is the real bullshit here. I can't make the sun shine or the rain fall or even convince my friends not to bail on the plans we made the day before, so who the hell am I to try and make a failed relationship magically get all better?

This hurts way too damn much.

Ownin' up.

Today I'm seriously feeling the lonely vibe.

Talking to an ex you're still in love with who isn't dating anyone and still has feelings for you who may or may not be interested in one day pursuing a relationship with you again?

Not the greatest idea.

He's calling and I'm answering because friends or more than that, I want him in my life.

So my heart is NOT happy with me.

Owning my anger is working for the time being, letting myself feel the hurt and the pain and the frustration and singing my heart out and blogging my butt off in the downtime is getting me through the day to day.

And of course, praying nonstop.

Me and God?

MUCH closer than we used to be.

I definitely need a road trip, a beautiful, cathartic experience with meaning and depth and self love. Any hotspots in Texas (or the neighboring states) that you recommend?

MERGE.

Looking at my friend Claire's photography makes me so jealous I could die.

She's got such talent.

But, I'm getting a Nikon D40 with the 18mm lens for my biiiiiirthday.

So I'll have a shot at taking pictures that come out the way I envision them for a change.

I'm on my way to a community gathering [MERGE] at my church. It makes me feel better when things are as harsh and unfeeling and cold as they are now. Hopefully the spirit of the night will bring some comfort to my crushed state of soul.

Waxing poetic.

Ha.

I'm yelling this.

For some reason, I woke up in an awful, depressed mood and I haven't been able to shake it all day. I wish that I had control over my dreams. The only thing keeping me down is the pain from those stupid nightmares and dreams of a time when things were simpler and I had people I could trust.

In light of recent events and my current emotional state, here's what I'd like to say if given the chance.

You are being a belligerent asshole. You are selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, self-serving, and I am so mad at you right now that I'd probably knock the shit out of you if given the chance. I gave you too many chances and choices and you threw it all back in my face, and for that you deserve to be in a lot of pain. I hope its hurting you. I'm angry at you for the things you've done and I'm not sure how to handle that anger right now. I want you to know that you owe me more of an apology than I'll ever get from you, and until you are ready to own up to the shit and hell you've put me through, don't expect a damn thing from me.

I feel better now.

Anybody have anything to get off their chest?

Leave it as a comment and consider your burden lighter.

Sometimes people are horrible.

Emotions suck.

Have you ever had that moment of clarity where you realized that SOMEONE was an idiot, and that the someone may have been you? You trusted someone and they let you down in the biggest way possible. Promises broken, trust shattered, and maybe you were the foolish one for trusting them in the first place.

But you want to hope that maybe, just maybe, THEY were the fool for hurting you. For lying, for messing up, for fill-in-the-blank and maybe it isn't your fault.

Right now I'm feeling like I can't trust anyone on earth. I hate knowing that no one is completely honest. I'd love to say forget it and give up, but as much as I absolutely despise liars and getting hurt, I'm a romantic through and through. I want the white wedding, the marriage, children, and to be one of the seemingly few who doesn't get divorced.

For tonight I'll let myself be finished with dreaming and hope and happiness and I'll go to bed hurt, walled-up and angry. Then tomorrow I'll start over and try harder and keep myself open.