The personal and introspective musings of an all-too-tongue-and-cheek college girl.


Inconsequential selflessness.

Sometimes I think about how much so many around me have done, and I get really, really depressed.

I'm compulsively active in volunteering, helping UNICEF, trying to get people to understand how incredibly important things are... things we take for granted, like clean water, a place to sleep, THE OZONE LAYER, etc.

But I've never even left the country.

So many people I know have seen this world. People my age, not much older. Going from continent to continent, doing things I've only dreamed of.

It seems I'm good at many things, but great at nothing. I feel like I try so hard to do so well, and end up mediocre at best. I can sing, dance, act, sketch, paint, write... moderately. These talents seem God-given. I'm pretty good at picking up languages... yet I'm only fluent in English. I've learned a lot of French and Spanish, but it's become more difficult to remember now that I'm no longer as devoted as I once was. I keep trying so hard to be something of worth, and end up falling short each time.

I'm realizing that my quest for perfection is a defiance against my Father. My worth cannot be achieved by any act or accomplishment on this worth. I have worth because He says I do. He created me to be something beautiful for His kingdom, and regardless of how well I think I'm doing, His opinion stands. It's the only one that truly counts.

I lead a bible study on Monday nights. It's something I'd always wanted to do, and last summer I cultivated that dream. However, my leadership here has put me on a pedestal that I cannot stand upon. Anytime I slip up, someone notices. Namely, my father. Last night I tried to spend some time with him (my parents are divorced, and I live with my mom... no shared custody), and all he wanted to do was yell at me for not "doing my part" at home.

Let me just say this now:

I BUST MY BUTT at home, trying to take care of my brother, the housework, myself, my dog, all while balancing work, ministry, and a social life. I'm sorry, but I'm eighteen. My mom should be, well, MOTHERING. But she hasn't been for a long time. However, she HAS found it necessary to complain about everything, whether it's true or not. So she talked to my dad and told him that if he didn't "straighten me out", that she'd make me move out. Obviously, I've got nowhere to go. So dad used the opportunity (the ONE time I spend any time with him) to blast me for what he THINKS is going on at our house.

He doesn't know because:
1. He doesn't live there.
2. My mother tends to embellish things quite a bit.
3. My dad tends to blow things out of proportion.

Now I'll admit that as of the last few days I've been asking for a little slack around the house because I've been so busy and I've been stressed because Ian's gone. I kind of... well, no. I NEED a break. But my mom won't give me one.


My dad says this, "You are the biggest hypocrite on this earth. You lead a bible study on Monday nights and live however you want the rest of the week. If you were anything you claim to be you'd know better than to be so useless at home when you KNOW its your job to take care of things."

(Insert apathy here).

I'm fed up with the crap that goes on around my house.
I'm sick and tired of being treated like a worthless slave by two parents who's own crumbling marriage is the sole cause of my plight. I'd love for once if my mother would raise her own son instead of leaving it to me. I'd give anything to get my father to SHUT UP long enough for anyone else to get a word in edgewise... and if he actually LISTENED to it, that would be fantastic.

I'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm sick of this.

Ian gets home on the 30th.
I'm flying to Lubbock on the 31st.

A welcome break from far too much family time.

I cannot WAIT to move to Abilene.
Unfortunately, I'll still be dealing with the inadequacies that bring me down while I'm here.
My desire to be perfect won't just disappear with the transition. My lack of trust won't go away overnight.

I need PR, and bad.

I can't even think straight anymore. I just want to go to sleep.



I'm beginning to feel much like a caged canary.

Work is a box I'm stuck in, but the pay is good and it's probably that I'm just lazy, so I should just let that one go; I'm exhausted.

I got up at 4:45 this morning to go workout because I'm still dealing with the whole "body image" thing, and despite a hard hour at the gym, I still feel completely uncomfortable and unhappy. I'm starting to wonder if this will change.

I finally got a chance to talk to Ian, now that things have settled down a little in China, but its not the same. Knowing each moment is precious because I'm being given so few, I try hard to make every word count. That limits me, and I hate it. I want to be able to talk to him about what's going on back home without worrying about saying "God", or "pray", or any other communist boycotted word that I have every right to say. The oppressive government over there is about to drive me insane. Not like anyone can do anything about it. But of course, I'm going to gripe anyway, because all this ranting quiets my soul.

I want so very much to go and have fun. To relax and be happy. But I've got work all day, every day, and now I'm making myself go to the gym each morning so that I'll feel decent enough to go out in public, and on top of that I'm having to get ready for the big move to Abilene. I just want to get out of here. It seems like a never-ending carousel.

Of course I realize how very, VERY blessed I am. Actually, in light of the current situations of some I hold dear, I realize now that I have absolutely no right to complain when things with me aren't so terrible. I just wish I could quiet those voices that keep telling me, "Do more, go farther, push harder, be thinner... keep going. Don't stop."