Daddy issues and free psychotherapy sessions.

There is a part of me that has always and I fear will always have an unending, painful, deadly need to have complete and unhindered control over every aspect of my life.

Being a Christ follower and a firm believer that God is in control means that I'm completely screwed when it comes to fulfilling said need to have the wheel. I feel like throwing up.

"Just let things happen, let God take care of it"

Oh screw you.

If its that simple and it isn't hurting you, you don't love me in any way, shape, or form.

I'm mad at you.

Mostly because you once promised not to let me down, told me that I could trust you, and that if I ever needed you, all I had to do was ask.

Oh BULLSHIT.

Fuck that.

You are just like everyone else. And right now you're reminding me of my mom. Let God handle it or whatever.

Sorry, but I don't have the twenty five years she did to waste in a miserable marriage while I let God handle it, watching as my husband smacked around my kids, treated us all like shit, and wouldn't do a damn thing about it because I was "waiting for God".

I need more therapy.

Obviously today's session wasn't enough.

I know that I need to continue to let go of things, because my sphere of control is the real bullshit here. I can't make the sun shine or the rain fall or even convince my friends not to bail on the plans we made the day before, so who the hell am I to try and make a failed relationship magically get all better?

This hurts way too damn much.

Sometimes I think I'm psychotherapy-tastic.

In honor of loving myself and encouraging others to love themselves too, I'm going to start doing a self-love exercise-type-thingie every day. I feel that all my time in therapy (not gonna say all the money spent on it, I think THAT was a colossal waste) has done me some good, so these awesome techniques, courtesy of TSN, are going to become a (possibly) daily thing for awhile. Join me? You can do some of them in your comments, but some are more personal, so you may want to do them on your own blog or on (gasp, people still use this stuff?) PAPER and tape them up somewhere. At least until you feel you've mastered it.

Here goes!

Today is dedicated to my physical body, which I've done very little to care for in recent years. I developed bulimia and anorexia nearly simultaneously in the 6th grade, and for seven and a half years now I've struggled with one or both, so this is going to be hard for me.

For this one, I'm going to forgive my body for all the things I've held against it.

Hands? I've used you for a lot of bad things. I've hit people (and myself, on occasion) with you, and I've used you to make myself throw up. And right now, thumb, you're killing me for some reason. I'm sorry I've been getting mad at you. And you know what? You're amazing. You can play piano incredibly, you make my handwriting look perfect and different whenever I choose, and no matter what happens, I promise to start appreciating you more.

Legs, you've always been excellent at dancing and walking and being graceful, even though I've hated you too. The way you look is directly related to how I've treated you. The fact that you, knees, are constantly killing me is because I overwork you in a struggle to be thin. I wish I could take back the damage, but I can't. I'm very sorry for that. I want you to know that I appreciate and love the fact that you work and allow me to be mobile, graceful, and functional beyond what many are capable of.

I'mmmmmexhausted.

Go for it, please.