Daddy issues and free psychotherapy sessions.

There is a part of me that has always and I fear will always have an unending, painful, deadly need to have complete and unhindered control over every aspect of my life.

Being a Christ follower and a firm believer that God is in control means that I'm completely screwed when it comes to fulfilling said need to have the wheel. I feel like throwing up.

"Just let things happen, let God take care of it"

Oh screw you.

If its that simple and it isn't hurting you, you don't love me in any way, shape, or form.

I'm mad at you.

Mostly because you once promised not to let me down, told me that I could trust you, and that if I ever needed you, all I had to do was ask.

Oh BULLSHIT.

Fuck that.

You are just like everyone else. And right now you're reminding me of my mom. Let God handle it or whatever.

Sorry, but I don't have the twenty five years she did to waste in a miserable marriage while I let God handle it, watching as my husband smacked around my kids, treated us all like shit, and wouldn't do a damn thing about it because I was "waiting for God".

I need more therapy.

Obviously today's session wasn't enough.

I know that I need to continue to let go of things, because my sphere of control is the real bullshit here. I can't make the sun shine or the rain fall or even convince my friends not to bail on the plans we made the day before, so who the hell am I to try and make a failed relationship magically get all better?

This hurts way too damn much.

I'm yelling this.

For some reason, I woke up in an awful, depressed mood and I haven't been able to shake it all day. I wish that I had control over my dreams. The only thing keeping me down is the pain from those stupid nightmares and dreams of a time when things were simpler and I had people I could trust.

In light of recent events and my current emotional state, here's what I'd like to say if given the chance.

You are being a belligerent asshole. You are selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, self-serving, and I am so mad at you right now that I'd probably knock the shit out of you if given the chance. I gave you too many chances and choices and you threw it all back in my face, and for that you deserve to be in a lot of pain. I hope its hurting you. I'm angry at you for the things you've done and I'm not sure how to handle that anger right now. I want you to know that you owe me more of an apology than I'll ever get from you, and until you are ready to own up to the shit and hell you've put me through, don't expect a damn thing from me.

I feel better now.

Anybody have anything to get off their chest?

Leave it as a comment and consider your burden lighter.