Empty nighttime thoughts.

I'm doing this again.

This thing where I can't sleep and I think too much and I get all introspective and I start to wonder if I feel anything for you anymore. Where I sit awake and can convince myself that when I wake up in the morning I won't care if you call or if you every say you love me again.

I'm going to go ahead and say what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid that I don't love you anymore.

If that's true, I'm afraid I'll let go completely and lose you forever.

Honestly, I think I'm simply blocking it all out. Shoving those feelings down deeper until they're somewhere this semi-conscious state can't reach, so that in these dark hours when no one is around to protect me from myself, I'll stay away from the thoughts that are real and full and painful instead of this empty, apathetic shadow that I'm sitting in.

I know somewhere that I'll always love you. But I'm not going to let myself love you until you can love me back, because you don't deserve my love, you don't appreciate my love, and you took my love for granted. If you don't grow up and out of this soon, you'll lose your chance and I'll be gone.

I hope for both our sakes you don't wait that long.