Fragile.

I'm not altogether sure what is going through my head right now, but I'm rather aware of the musings of my heart.

I'm slowly falling away from things I thought were certain, and I find myself remembering times like this before, both in and out of social contact; many were arguments with my conscience, my logic, and my better judgement. I find myself saying, "I know better than this" or "this isn't going to end well". 

I hate sitting, waiting, wondering what painful response an action or misunderstanding will result in. My heart hurts as I lay awake in a contemplative state, wondering if perhaps I was wrong. But in this instance I feel that I might just be right, and that hurts even more.

How do you convince someone that they are wrong when all they see is their version of truth? How do you make it evident that the mistake it on their end when (to them) it is so clearly on yours?

I want a way out.

Unfortunately, no such way seems to exist. That is the trouble with growing up and settling down (in some degree). Roots begin to form that cannot simply be dug up. One must stay put and fight the fever that is ever-spreading. I feel like I'm up against something so much bigger than me that I can't win.

I sit here and think that my past is speaking to me in ways I didn't forsee. I knew I grew from the experiences, but I'm starting to hear whispers of advice from lessons learned the hard way. Am I supposed to push that off as the devil on my shoulder, or should I heed what I believe to be warnings? I always take advice too late. I end up convincing myself to stay in situations I felt were right (or wanted desperately to be) and I wound up in the wrong place for a long time. I can't tell or don't want to know if what my gut is telling me is fact, or at least a nudge in the right direction.

I hate this feeling.

So foreboding and destructive,

but somewhat honest and certainly informative.

This aches.

Someone please, give me a straight answer.

I believe the problem lies in that I already know, but am unsatisfied and afraid of the truth.

Pray, please.

Wasted.

"So she took another step, said 'I see the way out and I'm gonna take it'".

I honestly think maybe I see the way out of this and I'm just ignoring it.

Is that what this is?

Am I just stalling for time until I have to do this?

Last time I let that happen I ended up somewhere I never thought I'd be, needed months to recover, got sick and tired and almost didn't get out. I'm not in a place now where I can handle that again, and for God's sake I need to stop this.

I really think maybe I need to leave ACU now, and make a few other changes as well. 

Is that what I'm doing now?

Pretending that I don't see this and letting myself believe that I'm doing the right thing?

Wow, I'm an idiot.

Looking at things this way is going to land me in a lot of trouble.

I can't help but think that maybe I'm making a big mistake. 

So this time I'm going to do what I should have done last time.

Instead of acting like I can handle it on my own, I'm going to go to the people I trust most, pray, and step back for awhile.

<3b