She's baaaaaaaa-aaaaack!

Ladies and gents, I have MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED!

http://www.thecagedbirdsings.com

Come on over and hang out.

I've missed you!

Empty nighttime thoughts.

I'm doing this again.

This thing where I can't sleep and I think too much and I get all introspective and I start to wonder if I feel anything for you anymore. Where I sit awake and can convince myself that when I wake up in the morning I won't care if you call or if you every say you love me again.

I'm going to go ahead and say what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid that I don't love you anymore.

If that's true, I'm afraid I'll let go completely and lose you forever.

Honestly, I think I'm simply blocking it all out. Shoving those feelings down deeper until they're somewhere this semi-conscious state can't reach, so that in these dark hours when no one is around to protect me from myself, I'll stay away from the thoughts that are real and full and painful instead of this empty, apathetic shadow that I'm sitting in.

I know somewhere that I'll always love you. But I'm not going to let myself love you until you can love me back, because you don't deserve my love, you don't appreciate my love, and you took my love for granted. If you don't grow up and out of this soon, you'll lose your chance and I'll be gone.

I hope for both our sakes you don't wait that long.

Alert!

Alright, so...

I'm in the process of making my blog into a better, bigger blog. Something that allows for more traffic and ads and a layout that I actually want that won't make you, the reader, feel that your retinas are burning off your face.

So, thanks to Sweetney and her awesome new project, SweetBlog, I'm getting a gorgeous makeover and switching to TypePad! As a result, my blog is gonna be a little bit wonked out for awhile tomorrow, but never fear, I'm coming back with a vengeance. And if you like what you see when the redesign comes up, head on over to SweetBlog and talk to the ladies about your own makeover/redesign!

See ya in a few!

Daddy issues and free psychotherapy sessions.

There is a part of me that has always and I fear will always have an unending, painful, deadly need to have complete and unhindered control over every aspect of my life.

Being a Christ follower and a firm believer that God is in control means that I'm completely screwed when it comes to fulfilling said need to have the wheel. I feel like throwing up.

"Just let things happen, let God take care of it"

Oh screw you.

If its that simple and it isn't hurting you, you don't love me in any way, shape, or form.

I'm mad at you.

Mostly because you once promised not to let me down, told me that I could trust you, and that if I ever needed you, all I had to do was ask.

Oh BULLSHIT.

Fuck that.

You are just like everyone else. And right now you're reminding me of my mom. Let God handle it or whatever.

Sorry, but I don't have the twenty five years she did to waste in a miserable marriage while I let God handle it, watching as my husband smacked around my kids, treated us all like shit, and wouldn't do a damn thing about it because I was "waiting for God".

I need more therapy.

Obviously today's session wasn't enough.

I know that I need to continue to let go of things, because my sphere of control is the real bullshit here. I can't make the sun shine or the rain fall or even convince my friends not to bail on the plans we made the day before, so who the hell am I to try and make a failed relationship magically get all better?

This hurts way too damn much.

Sometimes I think I'm psychotherapy-tastic.

In honor of loving myself and encouraging others to love themselves too, I'm going to start doing a self-love exercise-type-thingie every day. I feel that all my time in therapy (not gonna say all the money spent on it, I think THAT was a colossal waste) has done me some good, so these awesome techniques, courtesy of TSN, are going to become a (possibly) daily thing for awhile. Join me? You can do some of them in your comments, but some are more personal, so you may want to do them on your own blog or on (gasp, people still use this stuff?) PAPER and tape them up somewhere. At least until you feel you've mastered it.

Here goes!

Today is dedicated to my physical body, which I've done very little to care for in recent years. I developed bulimia and anorexia nearly simultaneously in the 6th grade, and for seven and a half years now I've struggled with one or both, so this is going to be hard for me.

For this one, I'm going to forgive my body for all the things I've held against it.

Hands? I've used you for a lot of bad things. I've hit people (and myself, on occasion) with you, and I've used you to make myself throw up. And right now, thumb, you're killing me for some reason. I'm sorry I've been getting mad at you. And you know what? You're amazing. You can play piano incredibly, you make my handwriting look perfect and different whenever I choose, and no matter what happens, I promise to start appreciating you more.

Legs, you've always been excellent at dancing and walking and being graceful, even though I've hated you too. The way you look is directly related to how I've treated you. The fact that you, knees, are constantly killing me is because I overwork you in a struggle to be thin. I wish I could take back the damage, but I can't. I'm very sorry for that. I want you to know that I appreciate and love the fact that you work and allow me to be mobile, graceful, and functional beyond what many are capable of.

I'mmmmmexhausted.

Go for it, please.

Self.

I just went back and read my old Xanga (well, my last one. From my sophomore year of high school, for about two months. I had about 5 xangas in a three year span) and I wish I could go back and tell the younger me a few things.

First and foremost:

Beautiful, sweet girl, YOUR LIFE IS WONDERFUL. You do NOT need that boy you just met at church. About two years from now, you will break up with him and launch yourself into a world of pain you have yet to even imagine. He will treat you like an object, take away your precious virginity (yes, you read that right, you poor thing. It gets ripped away from you, I'm so very sorry. You deserve so much better), and above all else, he will destroy what little self esteem you have fought to keep. He and the multitude of other boys and men you are about to date (heads up, your first serious relationship will begin when the upcoming musical ends) will break your fragile, beautiful heart into unrecognizable pieces and make you question everything, including the faith you hold so dear. Yes, Abby, you will question whether or not the root of your upbringing is actually the right way to live. You will abandon all your beliefs for a month, during which time you will reside partially in a hospital and partially in your mother's large red chair. You will call the God of your youth out on everything you believe He has ever done to hurt you. You will shout at Him, curse at Him, beg Him on your knees, and blatantly reject Him when He gives you the answer you've been dreading. You will scour books and websites in search of a religion that gives you back what you think you lost, and in the end you will realize that God was the One all along. You will fight and fight and fight for relationships that end badly. You will give up everything you held onto so tightly to keep people who don't deserve you in the least. You will let go of friends you probably should have kept, treat your family like dirt, and you will cry. You poor, wonderful girl, you will cry. More tears will fall than you thought you had. Your head will ache and your eyes will be sore and your nose will hurt from the number of tissues you've obliterated. You'll starve yourself and make yourself throw up and you'll tell yourself that you are ugly. And you'll be lying. That simply IS NOT TRUE. You are NOT ugly. You're beautiful. And the people you think can validate that statement will inevitably lead you to question it all the more. Your relationship with your father will grow and change, but years down the road, he will still make you threaten to take your own life one more time. You'll live with him for awhile when your parents finally decide to get a divorce. Contrary to what you think, it hurts really, really badly when the split up. But you will be the strong, incredible person you are through that and you'll be alright. You'll cry and ache when your mother meets a new man. You'll fight against it and then you'll accept it, and him. And Abby? You'll meet a man you will fall madly, deeply, inexhaustibly in love with, and you will betray your relationship with him. You will lose him twice, and after that? I don't even know yet. But you are still beautiful, sweet girl. He will hurt you, and that will shock you, because you will tell yourself that HE is DIFFERENT. And truthfully, he is. But not in the way you think. You can't put your identity in him. You will fall and trip and fail and cry and ache and bend until you almost break, but you will survive.

You WILL SURVIVE.

You will threaten and desire to take your life twice. The first time you will tell on yourself and end up being grateful. The second time you will wish and even hold the bottle in your hands, but after shouting that you're going to do it, you will feel God grab you, and you'll throw the bottle across the room. You won't do it, and for that, I love you. You will pull from deep within you the courage to keep on living, and you will know that you made the right decision a little while down the road.

Abby, no matter what happens to you, and no matter how hard it gets, you won't give up. You're stronger than you know, stronger probably even more than I know. You are beautiful, courageous, witty, brilliant, and you are worth more than you will ever realize. You don't deserve any of the things that are going to happen to you, but they are going to happen anyway. And through them all, the God you were raised in will hold you, even when you shout at Him and tell Him that He's killing you by telling you no. And Abby, He's more than you realize right now. He's greater and more loving that you've seen or know.

You beautiful little girl.

I wish I could stop all of this from hurting you.

But I can't.

I'm so sorry I failed you, but from now on, I'm going to hold your hand and remember you. I'm going to take care of us. And God is never going to leave, He's shown me that. So in the darkest moments, remember that. You can do it.

You're a survivor.

Hosting?

Oh wise internet, should I host?

I've been thinking it would probably be in my best interest if I'm going to turn blogging into a full-time thing, but I'm not sure where or how or what, exactly, I'm doing. If I do host, I'm definitely having Tracey over at Sweetney give my blog the full makeover, so I'm excited about that!

Any suggestions or ideas?

Ownin' up.

Today I'm seriously feeling the lonely vibe.

Talking to an ex you're still in love with who isn't dating anyone and still has feelings for you who may or may not be interested in one day pursuing a relationship with you again?

Not the greatest idea.

He's calling and I'm answering because friends or more than that, I want him in my life.

So my heart is NOT happy with me.

Owning my anger is working for the time being, letting myself feel the hurt and the pain and the frustration and singing my heart out and blogging my butt off in the downtime is getting me through the day to day.

And of course, praying nonstop.

Me and God?

MUCH closer than we used to be.

I definitely need a road trip, a beautiful, cathartic experience with meaning and depth and self love. Any hotspots in Texas (or the neighboring states) that you recommend?

MERGE.

Looking at my friend Claire's photography makes me so jealous I could die.

She's got such talent.

But, I'm getting a Nikon D40 with the 18mm lens for my biiiiiirthday.

So I'll have a shot at taking pictures that come out the way I envision them for a change.

I'm on my way to a community gathering [MERGE] at my church. It makes me feel better when things are as harsh and unfeeling and cold as they are now. Hopefully the spirit of the night will bring some comfort to my crushed state of soul.

Waxing poetic.

Ha.

Shop!

If I could BUY Anthropologie.com and all the contents of said site, I would be infinitely overjoyed forever.

... or until I wanted more clothes.