Chaotic.

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm beginning to feel much like a caged canary.

Work is a box I'm stuck in, but the pay is good and it's probably that I'm just lazy, so I should just let that one go; I'm exhausted.

I got up at 4:45 this morning to go workout because I'm still dealing with the whole "body image" thing, and despite a hard hour at the gym, I still feel completely uncomfortable and unhappy. I'm starting to wonder if this will change.

I finally got a chance to talk to Ian, now that things have settled down a little in China, but its not the same. Knowing each moment is precious because I'm being given so few, I try hard to make every word count. That limits me, and I hate it. I want to be able to talk to him about what's going on back home without worrying about saying "God", or "pray", or any other communist boycotted word that I have every right to say. The oppressive government over there is about to drive me insane. Not like anyone can do anything about it. But of course, I'm going to gripe anyway, because all this ranting quiets my soul.

I want so very much to go and have fun. To relax and be happy. But I've got work all day, every day, and now I'm making myself go to the gym each morning so that I'll feel decent enough to go out in public, and on top of that I'm having to get ready for the big move to Abilene. I just want to get out of here. It seems like a never-ending carousel.

Of course I realize how very, VERY blessed I am. Actually, in light of the current situations of some I hold dear, I realize now that I have absolutely no right to complain when things with me aren't so terrible. I just wish I could quiet those voices that keep telling me, "Do more, go farther, push harder, be thinner... keep going. Don't stop."

-Abby