Starfish.

She's baaaaaaaa-aaaaack!

2009-04-04T01:39:00.001-05:00

Ladies and gents, I have MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVED!

http://www.thecagedbirdsings.com

Come on over and hang out.

I've missed you!

Empty nighttime thoughts.

2009-03-27T00:56:00.002-05:00

I'm doing this again.

This thing where I can't sleep and I think too much and I get all introspective and I start to wonder if I feel anything for you anymore. Where I sit awake and can convince myself that when I wake up in the morning I won't care if you call or if you every say you love me again.

I'm going to go ahead and say what I'm afraid of.

I'm afraid that I don't love you anymore.

If that's true, I'm afraid I'll let go completely and lose you forever.

Honestly, I think I'm simply blocking it all out. Shoving those feelings down deeper until they're somewhere this semi-conscious state can't reach, so that in these dark hours when no one is around to protect me from myself, I'll stay away from the thoughts that are real and full and painful instead of this empty, apathetic shadow that I'm sitting in.

I know somewhere that I'll always love you. But I'm not going to let myself love you until you can love me back, because you don't deserve my love, you don't appreciate my love, and you took my love for granted. If you don't grow up and out of this soon, you'll lose your chance and I'll be gone.

I hope for both our sakes you don't wait that long.

Alert!

2009-03-26T11:49:00.003-05:00

Alright, so...

I'm in the process of making my blog into a better, bigger blog. Something that allows for more traffic and ads and a layout that I actually want that won't make you, the reader, feel that your retinas are burning off your face.

So, thanks to Sweetney and her awesome new project, SweetBlog, I'm getting a gorgeous makeover and switching to TypePad! As a result, my blog is gonna be a little bit wonked out for awhile tomorrow, but never fear, I'm coming back with a vengeance. And if you like what you see when the redesign comes up, head on over to SweetBlog and talk to the ladies about your own makeover/redesign!

See ya in a few!

Daddy issues and free psychotherapy sessions.

2009-03-25T21:14:00.002-05:00

There is a part of me that has always and I fear will always have an unending, painful, deadly need to have complete and unhindered control over every aspect of my life.

Being a Christ follower and a firm believer that God is in control means that I'm completely screwed when it comes to fulfilling said need to have the wheel. I feel like throwing up.

"Just let things happen, let God take care of it"

Oh screw you.

If its that simple and it isn't hurting you, you don't love me in any way, shape, or form.

I'm mad at you.

Mostly because you once promised not to let me down, told me that I could trust you, and that if I ever needed you, all I had to do was ask.

Oh BULLSHIT.

Fuck that.

You are just like everyone else. And right now you're reminding me of my mom. Let God handle it or whatever.

Sorry, but I don't have the twenty five years she did to waste in a miserable marriage while I let God handle it, watching as my husband smacked around my kids, treated us all like shit, and wouldn't do a damn thing about it because I was "waiting for God".

I need more therapy.

Obviously today's session wasn't enough.

I know that I need to continue to let go of things, because my sphere of control is the real bullshit here. I can't make the sun shine or the rain fall or even convince my friends not to bail on the plans we made the day before, so who the hell am I to try and make a failed relationship magically get all better?

This hurts way too damn much.

Sometimes I think I'm psychotherapy-tastic.

2009-03-24T19:04:00.003-05:00

In honor of loving myself and encouraging others to love themselves too, I'm going to start doing a self-love exercise-type-thingie every day. I feel that all my time in therapy (not gonna say all the money spent on it, I think THAT was a colossal waste) has done me some good, so these awesome techniques, courtesy of TSN, are going to become a (possibly) daily thing for awhile. Join me? You can do some of them in your comments, but some are more personal, so you may want to do them on your own blog or on (gasp, people still use this stuff?) PAPER and tape them up somewhere. At least until you feel you've mastered it.

Here goes!

Today is dedicated to my physical body, which I've done very little to care for in recent years. I developed bulimia and anorexia nearly simultaneously in the 6th grade, and for seven and a half years now I've struggled with one or both, so this is going to be hard for me.

For this one, I'm going to forgive my body for all the things I've held against it.

Hands? I've used you for a lot of bad things. I've hit people (and myself, on occasion) with you, and I've used you to make myself throw up. And right now, thumb, you're killing me for some reason. I'm sorry I've been getting mad at you. And you know what? You're amazing. You can play piano incredibly, you make my handwriting look perfect and different whenever I choose, and no matter what happens, I promise to start appreciating you more.

Legs, you've always been excellent at dancing and walking and being graceful, even though I've hated you too. The way you look is directly related to how I've treated you. The fact that you, knees, are constantly killing me is because I overwork you in a struggle to be thin. I wish I could take back the damage, but I can't. I'm very sorry for that. I want you to know that I appreciate and love the fact that you work and allow me to be mobile, graceful, and functional beyond what many are capable of.

I'mmmmmexhausted.

Go for it, please.

Self.

2009-03-24T02:09:00.002-05:00

I just went back and read my old Xanga (well, my last one. From my sophomore year of high school, for about two months. I had about 5 xangas in a three year span) and I wish I could go back and tell the younger me a few things.

First and foremost:

Beautiful, sweet girl, YOUR LIFE IS WONDERFUL. You do NOT need that boy you just met at church. About two years from now, you will break up with him and launch yourself into a world of pain you have yet to even imagine. He will treat you like an object, take away your precious virginity (yes, you read that right, you poor thing. It gets ripped away from you, I'm so very sorry. You deserve so much better), and above all else, he will destroy what little self esteem you have fought to keep. He and the multitude of other boys and men you are about to date (heads up, your first serious relationship will begin when the upcoming musical ends) will break your fragile, beautiful heart into unrecognizable pieces and make you question everything, including the faith you hold so dear. Yes, Abby, you will question whether or not the root of your upbringing is actually the right way to live. You will abandon all your beliefs for a month, during which time you will reside partially in a hospital and partially in your mother's large red chair. You will call the God of your youth out on everything you believe He has ever done to hurt you. You will shout at Him, curse at Him, beg Him on your knees, and blatantly reject Him when He gives you the answer you've been dreading. You will scour books and websites in search of a religion that gives you back what you think you lost, and in the end you will realize that God was the One all along. You will fight and fight and fight for relationships that end badly. You will give up everything you held onto so tightly to keep people who don't deserve you in the least. You will let go of friends you probably should have kept, treat your family like dirt, and you will cry. You poor, wonderful girl, you will cry. More tears will fall than you thought you had. Your head will ache and your eyes will be sore and your nose will hurt from the number of tissues you've obliterated. You'll starve yourself and make yourself throw up and you'll tell yourself that you are ugly. And you'll be lying. That simply IS NOT TRUE. You are NOT ugly. You're beautiful. And the people you think can validate that statement will inevitably lead you to question it all the more. Your relationship with your father will grow and change, but years down the road, he will still make you threaten to take your own life one more time. You'll live with him for awhile when your parents finally decide to get a divorce. Contrary to what you think, it hurts really, really badly when the split up. But you will be the strong, incredible person you are through that and you'll be alright. You'll cry and ache when your mother meets a new man. You'll fight against it and then you'll accept it, and him. And Abby? You'll meet a man you will fall madly, deeply, inexhaustibly in love with, and you will betray your relationship with him. You will lose him twice, and after that? I don't even know yet. But you are still beautiful, sweet girl. He will hurt you, and that will shock you, because you will tell yourself that HE is DIFFERENT. And truthfully, he is. But not in the way you think. You can't put your identity in him. You will fall and trip and fail and cry and ache and bend until you almost break, but you will survive.

You WILL SURVIVE.

You will threaten and desire to take your life twice. The first time you will tell on yourself and end up being grateful. The second time you will wish and even hold the bottle in your hands, but after shouting that you're going to do it, you will feel God grab you, and you'll throw the bottle across the room. You won't do it, and for that, I love you. You will pull from deep within you the courage to keep on living, and you will know that you made the right decision a little while down the road.

Abby, no matter what happens to you, and no matter how hard it gets, you won't give up. You're stronger than you know, stronger probably even more than I know. You are beautiful, courageous, witty, brilliant, and you are worth more than you will ever realize. You don't deserve any of the things that are going to happen to you, but they are going to happen anyway. And through them all, the God you were raised in will hold you, even when you shout at Him and tell Him that He's killing you by telling you no. And Abby, He's more than you realize right now. He's greater and more loving that you've seen or know.

You beautiful little girl.

I wish I could stop all of this from hurting you.

But I can't.

I'm so sorry I failed you, but from now on, I'm going to hold your hand and remember you. I'm going to take care of us. And God is never going to leave, He's shown me that. So in the darkest moments, remember that. You can do it.

You're a survivor.

Hosting?

2009-03-24T01:03:00.004-05:00

Oh wise internet, should I host?

I've been thinking it would probably be in my best interest if I'm going to turn blogging into a full-time thing, but I'm not sure where or how or what, exactly, I'm doing. If I do host, I'm definitely having Tracey over at Sweetney give my blog the full makeover, so I'm excited about that!

Any suggestions or ideas?

Ownin' up.

2009-03-23T19:57:00.002-05:00

Today I'm seriously feeling the lonely vibe.

Talking to an ex you're still in love with who isn't dating anyone and still has feelings for you who may or may not be interested in one day pursuing a relationship with you again?

Not the greatest idea.

He's calling and I'm answering because friends or more than that, I want him in my life.

So my heart is NOT happy with me.

Owning my anger is working for the time being, letting myself feel the hurt and the pain and the frustration and singing my heart out and blogging my butt off in the downtime is getting me through the day to day.

And of course, praying nonstop.

Me and God?

MUCH closer than we used to be.

I definitely need a road trip, a beautiful, cathartic experience with meaning and depth and self love. Any hotspots in Texas (or the neighboring states) that you recommend?

MERGE.

2009-03-22T17:46:00.002-05:00

Looking at my friend Claire's photography makes me so jealous I could die.

She's got such talent.

But, I'm getting a Nikon D40 with the 18mm lens for my biiiiiirthday.

So I'll have a shot at taking pictures that come out the way I envision them for a change.

I'm on my way to a community gathering [MERGE] at my church. It makes me feel better when things are as harsh and unfeeling and cold as they are now. Hopefully the spirit of the night will bring some comfort to my crushed state of soul.

Waxing poetic.

Ha.

Shop!

2009-03-22T15:47:00.003-05:00

If I could BUY Anthropologie.com and all the contents of said site, I would be infinitely overjoyed forever.

... or until I wanted more clothes.

I'm yelling this.

2009-03-22T15:26:00.002-05:00

For some reason, I woke up in an awful, depressed mood and I haven't been able to shake it all day. I wish that I had control over my dreams. The only thing keeping me down is the pain from those stupid nightmares and dreams of a time when things were simpler and I had people I could trust.

In light of recent events and my current emotional state, here's what I'd like to say if given the chance.

You are being a belligerent asshole. You are selfish, uncaring, inconsiderate, self-serving, and I am so mad at you right now that I'd probably knock the shit out of you if given the chance. I gave you too many chances and choices and you threw it all back in my face, and for that you deserve to be in a lot of pain. I hope its hurting you. I'm angry at you for the things you've done and I'm not sure how to handle that anger right now. I want you to know that you owe me more of an apology than I'll ever get from you, and until you are ready to own up to the shit and hell you've put me through, don't expect a damn thing from me.

I feel better now.

Anybody have anything to get off their chest?

Leave it as a comment and consider your burden lighter.

Sometimes people are horrible.

2009-03-21T23:18:00.004-05:00

Emotions suck.

Have you ever had that moment of clarity where you realized that SOMEONE was an idiot, and that the someone may have been you? You trusted someone and they let you down in the biggest way possible. Promises broken, trust shattered, and maybe you were the foolish one for trusting them in the first place.

But you want to hope that maybe, just maybe, THEY were the fool for hurting you. For lying, for messing up, for fill-in-the-blank and maybe it isn't your fault.

Right now I'm feeling like I can't trust anyone on earth. I hate knowing that no one is completely honest. I'd love to say forget it and give up, but as much as I absolutely despise liars and getting hurt, I'm a romantic through and through. I want the white wedding, the marriage, children, and to be one of the seemingly few who doesn't get divorced.

For tonight I'll let myself be finished with dreaming and hope and happiness and I'll go to bed hurt, walled-up and angry. Then tomorrow I'll start over and try harder and keep myself open.

Crap.

2009-03-20T23:22:00.002-05:00

Know what's awesome?

Having a two year old you just met take a massive dump on your arm.

Hold on, let me start over.

Today I worked PNO (Parents Night Out) for the YMCA, and I had diaper duty. Apparently I'm the only employee who doesn't freak out over changing diapers. Not because it's gross, but because touching any kid at all gets you set up for a sexual harassment lecture. I'm not even kidding. So I had gloves on most of the night and was up to my elbows in pooooooooop. One little girl had explosive... erm, yeah. She blew out her diaper, covered her pants, her back, and part of her shirt. And MY ARM.

It was fantastic, to say the least.

But seriously, I love my job. Kids are amazing and spending time around them (and getting paid for it) makes me incredibly happy. I know I may complain about it on occasion, but I have a blast and I make decent money and I don't take myself too seriously, because poop-arms=not serious. Its good for the soul.

On another topic entirely, I honestly hate trying to muddle through complex emotions. Right now I'm in a massive battle of heart vs. head, and I want very desperately to punch a few people in the face. I can't stand the way it feels to go from complete security to distrust and heartache, but I also can't stand the thought of losing someone who has meant the world to me for over a year now, so I'm dealing with it as best as I can.

How's YOUR heart lately?

BlogHer, holy crap.

2009-03-19T22:54:00.003-05:00

I've officially submitted this blog to BlogHer for listing.

First of all, let me say that I feel mixed about it. On the one hand, I know that I am smart and capable of blogging to an audience and that my views and opinions come from a place of knowledge and respect, so in all honesty, I feel I deserve to be listed when it comes to the rules/reasons of blogher blogs. However, I'm no Dooce, Bloggess, or Sweetney. I'm not a mom (I KNOW that mommyblogging isn't the only type of blog, but it seems to be the one that has recieved the most attention as of late and it is the one that I follow most closely). I don't feel I'm on the same level as the amazing women I follow.

Crossing my fingers to be added.

I'd also love to advertise for BlogHer, but their ad company is currently not seeking any new people, and I haven't been added so it doesn't really matter all that much.

Anyone have any advice for me when it comes to entering the public blogging world?

Frick, this is annoying.

2009-03-19T19:58:00.002-05:00

Okay, I'm going to say this now and probably delete it.

Because honesty, I don't know who reads this, and I kind of care.

I don't know what or how to feel about the whole situation. I want to feel apathetic because that would be easy (note to self: find better way to express apathy than with the word feeling, since that is THE ANTITHESIS OF APATHY I'M SO DUMB), but I can't do that because dammit, I FEEL THINGS. So I'm attempting to re-route my feelings through God first and let Him have control of the entire thing. But it still hurts, I think. I can't tell if this is hurt or frustration. Probably both.

I'm working on the whole healing thing.

This is so ridiculously confusing.

Someone needs to bring me XANAX.

And Nyquil.

I'm such a drunky.

[note: I have never had any alcohol. I'm not a real, actual drunky. That just happens to be my favorite word of all time, courtesy of Victor, man of the Bloggess. Plus, when I've had excessive amounts of sugar and caffeine, I greatly resemble a real actual drunk. Dang.]

Dayquil, I heart thee.

2009-03-19T18:49:00.003-05:00

I love Laurie Notaro.

I've always been kind of a sucker for authors like Erma Bombeck who write hilarious prose on their lives. Laurie Notaro's is a little more tongue-and-cheek, and her view on things like flippy hair and giant kitchen-raiding rats named Molly keep my attention almost as well as the blogs I frequent (all hail The Bloggess and SFLovestory!)

In honor of that, I'm asking that you go out and find yourself a copy of We Though You'd Be Prettier. Its awesome.

Also, I still have the cough from hell.

I think possibly that I may have broken my lungs.

And you know what? I don't even smoke. Whattheeff.

In other news, I'm avoiding the Wal-Mart tonight. Apparently some gang members have been informed that for initiation they must shoot three women at a local Wally World. Or so I've been told by mass text messages/e-mails/anonymous tipsters. I'm a sucker for ~~suspicious stuff~~ the truth.

Help a girl out and mail me some Dayquil.

I have wayyyy too much time on my hands.

2009-03-15T16:41:00.002-05:00

Um, Google AdSense makes me laugh really, really hard.

Right now, at this second, it has two ads for Christian stuff, an ad for Obama, and two more for cough suppressants. Apparently, that is all that is relevant for my blog. Thanks, GoogleAdSense.

And hey, in case you were wondering, the pennies I make off of ad revenue are going into my savings account to one day help (slightly) in paying off the college loans I am currently accruing at a massive rate. So you're putting me through school. And for that, I love you.

In other news, and I promise this is my last post for today, my dad, younger brother and I are enjoying our normal "family Sunday time" by watching Gangland. So our lovely family quality moments? Full of blood, shootings, gang violence, and people with protected identities (blurred out face AND voice transformers). Sweet.

French.

2009-03-15T15:01:00.002-05:00

Also, in case anyone wanted to know, I switched my phone's language preference to French.

And it totally works.

I love French.

Like right now, the top corner of my cell says "Dim".

Dimanche.

Much prettier than "Sunday".

Amy (best friend) named one of her Blythe dolls Jeudi.

See?

That is so much better than English.

Etsy, you make my life miserable/awesome.

2009-03-15T14:12:00.004-05:00

I am wholly capable of going long periods of time without spending money.

Sure, I have things that automatically come out of my account every month, but those are for bills and things that are unavoidable. I can go months without eating at restaurants, going shopping, and anything else that costs me.

So why did I just get on Etsy to order birthday presents for my best friend and end up buying myself this piano ring?

I'm still sick, bee-tee-dubs.

It hurts like crazy to talk/sing/make any kind of noise involving vocal chords, and on top of that, I have this awesome cough that makes me sound like a 5-pack-a-day chain smoker. Awesome.

To combat this, I'm guzzling liquid Dayquil (which numbs your throat when swallowed, as opposed to waiting an hour for relief with the liquigels) and reading The Bloggess in chronological order. Hooray for Jenny!

Somebody, bring me tofu-chicken noodle soup.

And a big, HUGE Diet Coke.

Thanks.

Colorful.

2009-03-14T23:44:00.000-05:00

[Disclaimer: Select previous entries have been backlogged and are no longer available for viewing, as they contained deeply personal and emotional rants that are more beneficial if kept in a personal diary setting than as fodder for the masses.]

Tonight is one of "those" nights.

Wal-mart run with my best friend at 10PM, taking a quick shower and then making pre-Easter eggs via the poke-hole method with a color/shiny paper package from the big WM, and while the dye dries?

We're watching TiVo'd SNL, commercial free thanks to the FF button on my remote.

I think that maybe all the trouble these past few months have brought has heightened my sense of what is worthwhile and what is not.

These small hours are what will remain long after the pain has ended and the scars have healed.

Barack.

2009-01-20T10:01:00.000-06:00

Here we go, baby!

I voted for Obama.

Not because he was black, but because a third term of Bush was too much for this country.

Now I'm watching him actually do this, actually going there, making this trip, becoming our president.

This is so cool.

He got to the capitol building safely.

The marine corp band is playing and we're all waiting for history to be made.

Not gonna lie, this is big. Our country is doing something really cool. Regardless of how you feel about the man, the fact that a black man is becoming president is a big effing deal and you should be proud that you live in a country where we're moving past social barriers. This rules.

There's Colin Powell, standing in the crowd.

Supreme court justices, pastors, reverends, a TON of black people, a TON of white people, and we're all praying the same thing;

Dammit, DON'T ASSASSINATE THIS ONE.

[Doxology].

2009-01-01T00:20:00.000-06:00

Praise God from whom all blessings flow,

praise Him all creatures here below.

Praise Him above ye heavenly hosts,

praise Father, Son, and Holy Ghost.

Amen.

And so, this sparkling new year begins with my first day of My Utmost for His Highest.

Dear LORD, Creator, God, thank You for this new chance, this new break. This year in which nothing holds me back and taints my view. Thank you for the beautiful cleansing the past year brought.

Dance and Sing.

2008-12-26T02:06:00.000-06:00

I am terrifically amused by the similarities in human emotion.

I just watched the Britney-tells-all video, "Britney: for the record.", and was shocked by the fact that EVERYTHING SHE SAID seemed to be EXACTLY my thought process on the tragedy that was last year at this time.

Creep.

But alas, it isn't all bad.

Maybe I can honestly, truth-to-God be famous.

Fingers crossed.

Impatient.

2008-12-19T12:17:00.000-06:00

Honestly.

Impatience and boredom make me the most miserable person on earth, LORD.

I want nothing more than to make the time pass faster. I feel so lonely, so empty, so afraid.

Why is it that right now when things are okay, I'm more stressed than ever?

God please.

Let me find some way out of this pain.

I am afraid.

I am alone.

I hate being alone.

I am lonely.

I am so bored.

I hate not having things to do.

I don't even feel like singing.

I want to talk to him.

Whywhywhy.

Give me a friend.

On a science.

2008-12-08T18:09:00.000-06:00

Nobody said it was easy.

I'm going back to the start.

[hope].

I am in love with the way I envision things, the bright light the future holds, the truth and knowledge that such light will bring, and the chance to start anew, to refresh and redo. I can't wait to be home again, to live vibrantly, brilliantly, ready to go forward.

Praise.

2008-11-20T08:09:00.000-06:00

"'Come back, unfaithful people of Israel;' says the Lord.

'I will stop being angry with you, because I am full of mercy', says the Lord.

'I will not be angry with you forever. All you have to do is admit your sin-that you turned against the Lord your God. Come back to me, you unfaithful children."

-Jeremiah 3:11-14

"How happy I would be to treat you as my own children, and give you a pleasant land, a land more beautiful than that of any other nation."

-Jeremiah 3:19

"Come back to me, you unfaithful children, and I will forgive you."

-Jeremiah 3:22

The song Undo is stuck in my heart, and its driving me nuts.

I long so badly to go back home, to never come back to this place again.

I feel like I ran away from things that were good in an attempt to start over, and instead of finding what I sought, I found trouble. I realize now that all I needed was right in front of me. My longing to leave was from a foolish and wounded heart. I didn't see what I already had; I wanted more. I coveted the life of those I thought were better off, and I didn't understand that I had so much to be thankful for. My life had been so hard, and I thought that the answer was escape.

I was wrong.

Only three and a half more weeks.

Lucas' Song.

2008-11-18T22:21:00.001-06:00

"Sticks and stones and silence, your deadliest violence, your deadliest violence."

The refrain from my fame is stuck in my head.

I understand and feel so much better now, but the dull ache remains.

"I wonder how long you're gonna stay gone,

all the radio will ever play is our song,

I can't even sing."

Over and over, no matter what, is that feeling of hope mixed with

nothing but dread.

I miss you like crazy, but I know its not over.

We have a common goal.

We're going to be okay.

You promised that, and I trust you.

"Bad dreams are over when you wake up,

my life is better with your eyes shut."

I hate missing you.

Strength.

2008-11-15T02:10:00.000-06:00

"Strength will rise as we wait upon the Lord."

Sometimes it seems like God is farther away than I need Him to be.

I know that He's not, but when my heart is aching, I feel like He's gone.

I've read Micah 7:7 a couple of times and found some solace in it.

Right now I'm working my way through Romans again, relearning some things and finding a better focus for the changes I'm making in my life. I was studying the nature of God in Isaiah and I started to feel comforted... then I finished the book. Funny how when you seek God, you can't seem to get enough.

I listened to the song, "The More I Seek Him" tonight, and was reminded that He's never far away. "Average Girl" by Barlowgirl is amazing too. I just wish I didn't have to walk through the valley. It would be nice if there was a trial quota; it seems like I'm always going through something or other that I can't bear.

Prayers are needed, hope is drifting.

But, hope is a revolutionary patience.

-B

Horizon.

2008-10-26T19:35:00.000-05:00

I feel so strange right now.

Part of me is nearly in tears from the frustration that is ever building from the lack of patience and the length of time that hold me back from going home. I want so desperately to scream and cry and yell and LEAVE, and then maybe I'll be okay.

But part of me is full of hope, somewhat happy.

I know I'm going home, so now I can focus on what needs to be done, the task at hand, and really get things done right with the time I have left. I can re-center myself, work on things that are frustrating me, and get myself to a better place so that at home I'll be alright.

Goals:

1. Be patient.

I'm always pushy and frustrated because I'm not capable of patience for some reason or another. I need to learn what it means to wait with dignity.

2. Relinquish control.

I get impatient because situations are out of my control and it angers me. I need to learn that I don't have to be the one who is at the wheel 100% of the time, and that when I am, I don't have to be a jerk about it.

3. Find peace.

I need to allow myself to be happy, allow myself to cry, allow myself to sit back and relax, and allow myself to be ME. I never feel content because I'm so busy trying to live at an impossible pace. I have got to slow down and let myself breathe.

That being said, I understand the new Thriving Ivory song a little better in this moment. Things seem on the horizon of wonderful, so if something is wrong, I don't want to hear about it. I want to be allowed to have this hope in the future, that UTD will be what I want, and that by going back I'll be okay. I feel like I can't find a happy place here, so I think that I honestly have to get home. I'm in a good mood because I feel like I know what's coming, and if I'm wrong I'd rather just be allowed to dream. The people I care about will always be with me in Dallas, as opposed to a long drive away.

"Don't tell me if I'm dying, cuz I don't wanna know, if I can't see the sun, maybe I should go. Don't wake me cuz I'm dreaming of angels on the moon, and everyone you know never leaves too soon..."

2008-10-24T01:22:00.001-05:00

One of the happiest things in the world is the feeling you get when you know everything is going to be alright.

That feeling seems to come when we need it the very most, regardless of the things you have gone through to get there. Tonight was one such moment, when I found something that made me so happy that I could barely contain myself.

The source of my joy was a propaganda poster from Britain in WWII.

Keep Off the Grass.

2008-09-24T21:34:00.000-05:00

Have you ever seen some bright, lush, green lawn and immediately had this urge to take of your shoes and run through it? You start to hear the happy-movie theme music and get ready to make your trek and then BAM. There it is; the KEEP OFF THE GRASS sign.

What good does that do?

What is the point of that?

Why have such beautiful, well-watered grass if no one can enjoy it?

We waste a lot of money and water on places like this. We waste a lot of things, period. We've been given this beautiful earth and instead of taking care of it, we've trashed it with our trash, our pollution, our irresponsible and wasteful ways, and instead of caring, we've said, "its not really a big deal".

Say what you want about global warming. You may not think its real. Frankly, I don't care. The fact of the matter is, pollution levels are ridiculous right now, the ozone layer has a whole in it, and we as human beings need to do what we were called to do.

God loves this earth. He created every facet, each beautiful tree and blade of grass, and he said it was GOOD. He left us, created in His image, to rule over the earth, to take care of what we had been left with. We are to be good stewards of this blessing. But instead we have foolishly left it to rot while we chase after selfish desires and do not take care of the gift we've been given.

Image you give your friend a gift. You let them have a precious something that you made, and you're so proud of it. You just know that they will love and cherish it just as you did.

Now imagine your shock as the next time you come by, you find your gift broken and tossed lazily in the corner. You'd be upset, you'd be a little surprised, but above all else you'd probably be pretty hurt. Why would they treat your present that way?

The thing is, recycling, not littering, being energy-efficient and cutting back on waste are all things we can do to be good stewards of what our King has allowed us to be in charge of. Its not just about going green for the heck of it. Its our duty as Christians and human beings.

Get up off your butts and be green for God :)

-B

Fragile.

2008-09-09T20:56:00.000-05:00

I'm not altogether sure what is going through my head right now, but I'm rather aware of the musings of my heart.

I'm slowly falling away from things I thought were certain, and I find myself remembering times like this before, both in and out of social contact; many were arguments with my conscience, my logic, and my better judgement. I find myself saying, "I know better than this" or "this isn't going to end well".

I hate sitting, waiting, wondering what painful response an action or misunderstanding will result in. My heart hurts as I lay awake in a contemplative state, wondering if perhaps I was wrong. But in this instance I feel that I might just be right, and that hurts even more.

How do you convince someone that they are wrong when all they see is their version of truth? How do you make it evident that the mistake it on their end when (to them) it is so clearly on yours?

I want a way out.

Unfortunately, no such way seems to exist. That is the trouble with growing up and settling down (in some degree). Roots begin to form that cannot simply be dug up. One must stay put and fight the fever that is ever-spreading. I feel like I'm up against something so much bigger than me that I can't win.

I sit here and think that my past is speaking to me in ways I didn't forsee. I knew I grew from the experiences, but I'm starting to hear whispers of advice from lessons learned the hard way. Am I supposed to push that off as the devil on my shoulder, or should I heed what I believe to be warnings? I always take advice too late. I end up convincing myself to stay in situations I felt were right (or wanted desperately to be) and I wound up in the wrong place for a long time. I can't tell or don't want to know if what my gut is telling me is fact, or at least a nudge in the right direction.

I hate this feeling.

So foreboding and destructive,

but somewhat honest and certainly informative.

This aches.

Someone please, give me a straight answer.

I believe the problem lies in that I already know, but am unsatisfied and afraid of the truth.

Pray, please.

Wasted.

2008-09-09T18:04:00.000-05:00

"So she took another step, said 'I see the way out and I'm gonna take it'".

I honestly think maybe I see the way out of this and I'm just ignoring it.

Is that what this is?

Am I just stalling for time until I have to do this?

Last time I let that happen I ended up somewhere I never thought I'd be, needed months to recover, got sick and tired and almost didn't get out. I'm not in a place now where I can handle that again, and for God's sake I need to stop this.

I really think maybe I need to leave ACU now, and make a few other changes as well.

Is that what I'm doing now?

Pretending that I don't see this and letting myself believe that I'm doing the right thing?

Wow, I'm an idiot.

Looking at things this way is going to land me in a lot of trouble.

I can't help but think that maybe I'm making a big mistake.

So this time I'm going to do what I should have done last time.

Instead of acting like I can handle it on my own, I'm going to go to the people I trust most, pray, and step back for awhile.

<3b

The New.

2008-09-07T22:37:00.000-05:00

In the past weeks and (sad to say) months, I've adopted somewhat of a negative attitude. Perhaps my brushes with the darker side of life have given me an outlook that is in no way reflective of the way I want to live. Someone I love and respect has shown me the error of my ways, albeit in a painful manner, but with such honesty that I know it was in my best interest. As a result, I'm starting over.

I need an attitude adjustment.

Things here at school have been somewhat chaotic for me emotionally. I've taken a stand-offish position in the opportunities presented and have subsequently become dependent upon a life about 3 and 1/2 hours from here. This isn't good, productive, or healthy. In lieu of this revelation, I'm going to try and adopt a more positive outlook and give more back than I take from those around me. I'm going to wake up and make a real effort to give my all to this place, even if at times it seems inconvenient. I'm going to refocus, give things back to the one whom I owe all to.

That being said, I'm going to go study for a quiz.

Why not start small and make a big impression in my classes?

<3b

Hmphhhh.

2008-09-04T20:39:00.000-05:00

Here in my room, its cold.

Also, I feel kind of weird.

I need to go to WalMart and get some cough syrup or SOMETHING to make my throat quiet down.

Next Friday I am coming home.

And nothing is going to stop that.

Goodnight.

Time and Confusion

2008-08-27T14:50:00.001-05:00

Okay, now what?

I don't understand what on earth is going on.

First things are great, then they're awful and awkward, then they're nonexistent, and then they're okay. Back to good, completely gone, borderline avoidance, so-so, fantastic, better, gone.

And now?

back.

Maybe?

This happens to me a lot.

I get bailed on for no reason, then expected to jump through hoops for the sake of friendships I thought were gone.

As of right now, I'm driving home alone this weekend, with my own money, even though I was supposed to be riding home with two other people. I didn't find out until today, and even then I had to ask, and I was told that plans had changed.

Granted, the person driving changed the plans, the other person going with us hasn't even been informed yet.

Someone please just say what you mean,

be honest, for once, with me.

<3ab

Existential Kiddos.

2008-08-26T15:47:00.000-05:00

I'm terribly amused at the pretentious nature that so many people here seem to have. It seems like nobody realizes that we ALL made it into this university, and that nobody here is higher than anyone else. I'm scared to tell people I'm here on the Presidential Scholarship because whenever I mention it people get offended and put off by the fact that I'm bringing it up. I'm not bragging, if anything its a testament to the total LACK of wealth that I come from.

Chill, babies.

We're all special, which is just another way of saying that none of us are.

Pffft.

Also, after quite a bit of ridiculous calculating (as shown to me by my Cornerstone professor), I can make Bs in two of my classes this semester and still come out with a 3.6, which is a tenth of a point above what I need to maintain all my financial aid. Sweet, sweet, SWEET.

Also, lately I've been stressing about the desire to go home. A lot of it may have to do with not getting to see two of my favorite people in this universe, Ian and Amy, and after thinking about it I realized that what I'm gaining here is far more valuable than a clingy attempt at upping my time spent with those I love. Both of them still love me, even if I'm several hours away. So, I'm gonna stick it out here for the next four years.

Well, three years and 1.9 semesters :)

I'm off to finish reading for my Civ class, which isn't actually due till Friday, but I'm pretty sure I'm gonna need to know the material back and forth and up and down, so I'm gonna try and knock it out twice.

<3abby

Ache.

2008-08-23T17:05:00.000-05:00

As I'm sure some of you know, two of the most amazing people I've ever met, Matt and Lauren Larsen, and their beautiful baby girl, Life Lucia Larsen, are going through a really tough time right now (and yes, these are the people my orange bracelet is for, in case you were wondering).

I continuously read their updates on their blog, aroyalallegiance.blogspot.com. Their beautiful baby girl is facing some big hurdles right now in her attempts to gain strength and live completely without medical machinery. She's made such incredible strides already; she's stronger than most adults I know.

However, the doctors now feel that surgery is necessary, and a tube will be placed in Life to drain fluids. Reading that (and Lauren's reaction to it) made me want to cry. I don't understand sometimes why things turn out the way they do, but I am confident that after all God has already done for Life, He can easily give another miracle to this amazing family.

I'm asking everyone who reads this, whether you know the Larsens or not, to please, PLEASE pray for Life, Lauren, and Matt. Pray for healing for this beautiful little girl, peace and strength for her mother and father, and comfort from our amazing King as we all surround the family during this time.

In Him,

Abby

Impossible Love

2008-08-23T13:47:00.000-05:00

Wow.

I've only been at ACU for a week now and my life is already starting to look incredibly different. I didn't have much of a problem adjusting to dorm life since my way of living at home was pretty much independent. I also don't have any trouble making myself go to things, which apparently is everyone's major concern. Look, with tuition this high, I can't AFFORD not to go to class.

But, on a far more valuable note, this week has taught me a lot about where my priorities need to lie, and I'm finding myself falling more and more in love with my King, just like I used to be.

At candelight devo (a 24-year ACU tradition where freshmen are given candles and walk through a path made by upperclassmen whose candles are already lit until they reach the amphitheater, where they are joined by the uppers, light their candles, and worship together for an hour or so) we had an incredible speaker. Our theme this year at Welcome Week is Revolution, spelled rLOVEution. The bible professor who gave the keynote talked about the two greatest revolutionaries he knew of. One was the son of a king who studied under the likes of Aristotle, traveled the world, and became famous for conquering the known land and died at the age of 33... Alexander the Great. His revolution was based upon the love of power; the desire for control and submission from the lower population.

The second revolutionary was (as known to the world) the son of a simple carpenter. He studied on his own from the temple scrolls, was a promoter of non-violence, but made a big stir among the Jews and Gentiles, although his travels didn't extend far past Jerusalem. He too died at 33, but his revolution was based on the power of love, the desire for unity and servanthood in any walk of life.

I find it amazing that the peaceful protester is still spoken of widely today, while the go-getter/vigilante is only mentioned in history classes. The King we serve was the greatest revolutionary of all time, and as we move towards change in this day and age, we would do well to follow his example.

The speaker also told us of his brother, who, that night, was in a boat on a dangerous lake in Ghana, pockets full of large bills, preparing to go into town the next day and buy child slaves who he would then take to the Village of Hope so that they could be rehabilitated.

How incredible would it be to buy a child from slavery, take them to a place of hope and mercy, and then have the opportunity to share with them that YOU had been bought as well, saved from the most unimaginable fate, and all out of the goodness of the Lord. What an amazing chance to testify to the love our Father has for us.

As you can probably tell, I'm more on fire for this revolution now than I was when I left home. I look forward to the next four years that I will have in this amazing place, and to the transformation in my spirit.

Well, I'm off to the talent show rehearsal (Lucas and I are playing and singing a beautiful song he wrote)! The show (for those of you in Abilene) is tonight on the ACU campus in the Moody Auditorium at 6:00PM.

In Him,

Abby

Eloquence.

2008-06-17T16:02:00.002-05:00

Finally, all these months of cultivation have brought forth the peace and closure so desperately sought after. These times are gone.

I have let go of the ever-resisting past and begun the first footsteps of the journey into the light. This is the life I've wanted. A good school, a good home, real love.

Dare I say it, the curse has been lifted.

Ripples on the water
slowly spreading farther out
to the place you left behind.

Reaching every distance
going farther than you dared
to do this thing to me.

We are finished.

Now the you and the me
we never were as we
have come forward,

embracing the dawn.

I lift my eyes toward the sun
held out for one last winter
and the melting snow proves

hope is a revolutionary patience.

What once was is no more.
The finality of this breath is sure
that "we" have died.

I turn and leave
moving away
like ripples on the water

spreading farther out to places you could never go.

I am free.

<3AB

A Passionate Pursuit.

2008-05-22T15:20:00.000-05:00

I was driving today to go pick up some things for my boss out in Garland, and I had my radio turned on (as usual). The song "Storm" by Lifehouse came on, and as I listened, I felt my heart growing heavy. How long have I been in this situation? For how long have I yearned to be closer to God and felt like I was being pulled away?

It was about then that it hit me.

Christ tells us that He wants to be our first love. He wants us to run to Him before anyone else; to give HIM our hearts. 'No other gods' means putting nothing before Him, including relationships.

How many times have I allowed someone to have my heart? I've given it away far too many times to far too many things, and each time I've come away broken and confused. I've taken what should have been Christ's and turned it into something that can be bought and sold. I'm hurting.

My first love wasn't what it should have been. I gave my heart away to someone who cared nothing for it, who battered it and trampled it and gave it back to me in pieces. Instead of running to my King with my pain, I turned to my eating disorder, my destructive habits, my "little affairs of the heart" (as referred to by Stasi Eldridge in Captivating). I ended up in the hospital for almost a month, and FINALLY I saw what had been right in front of me.

Jesus wants to show us how love really feels. How wonderful it is to be romanced by the Creator of the UNIVERSE. He has nothing but grace and forgiveness, tenderness and mercy; He loves us unconditionally. It doesn't get any better than that. For so long this perfect love was sought after, and now I've realized that it lies here, in Him.

And that is a passion worth pursuing.

Inconsequential selflessness.

2008-05-21T12:26:00.000-05:00

Sometimes I think about how much so many around me have done, and I get really, really depressed.

I'm compulsively active in volunteering, helping UNICEF, trying to get people to understand how incredibly important things are... things we take for granted, like clean water, a place to sleep, THE OZONE LAYER, etc.

But I've never even left the country.

So many people I know have seen this world. People my age, not much older. Going from continent to continent, doing things I've only dreamed of.

It seems I'm good at many things, but great at nothing. I feel like I try so hard to do so well, and end up mediocre at best. I can sing, dance, act, sketch, paint, write... moderately. These talents seem God-given. I'm pretty good at picking up languages... yet I'm only fluent in English. I've learned a lot of French and Spanish, but it's become more difficult to remember now that I'm no longer as devoted as I once was. I keep trying so hard to be something of worth, and end up falling short each time.

I'm realizing that my quest for perfection is a defiance against my Father. My worth cannot be achieved by any act or accomplishment on this worth. I have worth because He says I do. He created me to be something beautiful for His kingdom, and regardless of how well I think I'm doing, His opinion stands. It's the only one that truly counts.

I lead a bible study on Monday nights. It's something I'd always wanted to do, and last summer I cultivated that dream. However, my leadership here has put me on a pedestal that I cannot stand upon. Anytime I slip up, someone notices. Namely, my father. Last night I tried to spend some time with him (my parents are divorced, and I live with my mom... no shared custody), and all he wanted to do was yell at me for not "doing my part" at home.

Let me just say this now:

I BUST MY BUTT at home, trying to take care of my brother, the housework, myself, my dog, all while balancing work, ministry, and a social life. I'm sorry, but I'm eighteen. My mom should be, well, MOTHERING. But she hasn't been for a long time. However, she HAS found it necessary to complain about everything, whether it's true or not. So she talked to my dad and told him that if he didn't "straighten me out", that she'd make me move out. Obviously, I've got nowhere to go. So dad used the opportunity (the ONE time I spend any time with him) to blast me for what he THINKS is going on at our house.

He doesn't know because:
1. He doesn't live there.
2. My mother tends to embellish things quite a bit.
3. My dad tends to blow things out of proportion.

Now I'll admit that as of the last few days I've been asking for a little slack around the house because I've been so busy and I've been stressed because Ian's gone. I kind of... well, no. I NEED a break. But my mom won't give me one.

SO...

My dad says this, "You are the biggest hypocrite on this earth. You lead a bible study on Monday nights and live however you want the rest of the week. If you were anything you claim to be you'd know better than to be so useless at home when you KNOW its your job to take care of things."

(Insert apathy here).

I'm fed up with the crap that goes on around my house.
I'm sick and tired of being treated like a worthless slave by two parents who's own crumbling marriage is the sole cause of my plight. I'd love for once if my mother would raise her own son instead of leaving it to me. I'd give anything to get my father to SHUT UP long enough for anyone else to get a word in edgewise... and if he actually LISTENED to it, that would be fantastic.

I'm tired.
I'm lonely.
I'm sick of this.

Ian gets home on the 30th.
I'm flying to Lubbock on the 31st.

A welcome break from far too much family time.

I cannot WAIT to move to Abilene.
Unfortunately, I'll still be dealing with the inadequacies that bring me down while I'm here.
My desire to be perfect won't just disappear with the transition. My lack of trust won't go away overnight.

I need PR, and bad.

I can't even think straight anymore. I just want to go to sleep.

Chaotic.

2008-05-21T10:19:00.000-05:00

Ahhhhhhhhhhh.

I'm beginning to feel much like a caged canary.

Work is a box I'm stuck in, but the pay is good and it's probably that I'm just lazy, so I should just let that one go; I'm exhausted.

I got up at 4:45 this morning to go workout because I'm still dealing with the whole "body image" thing, and despite a hard hour at the gym, I still feel completely uncomfortable and unhappy. I'm starting to wonder if this will change.

I finally got a chance to talk to Ian, now that things have settled down a little in China, but its not the same. Knowing each moment is precious because I'm being given so few, I try hard to make every word count. That limits me, and I hate it. I want to be able to talk to him about what's going on back home without worrying about saying "God", or "pray", or any other communist boycotted word that I have every right to say. The oppressive government over there is about to drive me insane. Not like anyone can do anything about it. But of course, I'm going to gripe anyway, because all this ranting quiets my soul.

I want so very much to go and have fun. To relax and be happy. But I've got work all day, every day, and now I'm making myself go to the gym each morning so that I'll feel decent enough to go out in public, and on top of that I'm having to get ready for the big move to Abilene. I just want to get out of here. It seems like a never-ending carousel.

Of course I realize how very, VERY blessed I am. Actually, in light of the current situations of some I hold dear, I realize now that I have absolutely no right to complain when things with me aren't so terrible. I just wish I could quiet those voices that keep telling me, "Do more, go farther, push harder, be thinner... keep going. Don't stop."

-Abby

A Fresh Start

2008-05-20T19:56:00.000-05:00

Ahhh, the goddess of blog strikes again.

While I'm notorious for my rantings, I rarely blog anywhere other than MySpace (yes, I got over that phase... yikes!), Xanga, and Facebook... and I decided that it was time I got serious about my musings and started BLOGGING.

Yes, a real blog.

Wow, I'm special.

Anyway...

At this somewhat retrospective point in m life, I'm realizing that hindsight isn't the only sight that's 20/20. I realize that my foresight has been right quite a few times, and that if I'd only listened to the good advice I was giving myself, I could've avoided quite a few pitfalls. Unfortunately, I'm too stubborn to learn things the easy way. But God has used my adamance to my advantage; I've grown up more in the past year than most people do in a lifetime. I've accomplished more than I realized possible.

I have lived to tell.

And so, in this, the light at the end of the tunnel, I'm thinking it might be nice to write about how things are working out for me.

But right now I'm going to watch Alfred Hitchcock's Psycho with my amazing best friend, Amy (more on her later).

-Abby